Too much for a tweet, too little for a real post...let's just call it what it is...

This is me emptying my brain, which I haven't been able to do in quite some time. I STILL won't be able to do it to it's fullest extent, because this is a public forum. There's more, but, chances are, if I felt like talking about it to you, I've probably already talked to you about it. But, you never know. Ask me what's going on in my life once or twice and I may eventually give you an answer.

There's a Bible verse that has ran through my mind a lot recently. Romans 8:28. It's enough to keep going sometimes.

Because I've had a lot going on in the last few months. A lot to persevere through. Not only in the theatre world, but just in life. And it's been rough, I'm not going to lie.

And I look at the future...specifically, the next five months where there are, to my knowledge, four plays going on in the Atlanta area that I could be in. Four. That's it. All at places I've never worked before. All at places I'm desperate to get in to. I have an audition for one, and I'm doing work (tm Kobe) trying to get as prepared as possible for it, but I can only impress people if I can get into the room... Which is what I'm working on for those other three.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't concerned. If I don't get into one of these, we're looking at at least an eight month stretch without theatre work. Intimidating? Yes. Intimidated? No. Won't allow it.

I need a vacation. I'm going to Florida four times in the next few months. Two for auditions (Looks like I spoke too soon about that whole, "Done driving to far off auditions," thing, eh?) and two for plans I previously had. Those will be good for me.

Then, planning. Taking a good, hard look at this next year, finding out where the fat is, and cutting it. Adding more out of town auditions, and truly considering them. Going to Washington DC's generals. Going to Cincinnati's generals. I may not be as good as you, but I will out-hustle you any day of the week.

And there's the personal life, where sometimes, I just need to slow it down, sit in the dark, watch the rain and listen to Royksopp. Let the bass thump in my chest and breathe in the night air. And there's nothing wrong with having a moment of recalibration. I've just had a bit too many in the last few months.

So, here it is...my final moment of recalibration for a bit. I'm going to take a deep breath, close my eyes and step out there.

I want to know that, in life, I'm working for His purpose. Sometimes, it's quiet on that front. But that's the joy of it, you know? Knowing that I'm taken care of, even if I see no tangible proof of it. That's what faith is all about.

Does talent come with a mandate to aspire to greatness?

I posted this on my Twitter not long ago, but it's a question that I am truly curious about and would love to hear opinions on.

This is a question that initially occured to me in the context of Rasheed Wallace signing with the Celtics. Or, rather, it didn't occur to me. It occured to Joey over at FreeDarko in this article. You won't mind if I quote for context, will you?

"We already know that history is likely to speak ill of Roscoe. It will harp upon his volatility. It will almost jeer as it calls him an underachiever. And it surely will subsume his contribution to Detroit's recent championship, bundling it with "however" and "if only" while emphasizing the technicals and the meltdowns. Rasheed will go out as grousing, mercurial, unreliable. His enormous talents will only damn him, as the critics, whose voices appear to ring loudest, cite his gifts as evidence of the disappointment he's authored.

Our sports culture so thoroughly disdains "wasting" talent that Rasheed Wallace's career is almost wholly anathema. (...) Rasheed bears some blame, of course. His flare-ups have been counterproductive, and shameful moments like Game 6 against Cleveland three seasons ago strike at whatever sympathy his personality, history, and style encourage. Be moody. Reject that talent carries with it a mandate to aspire for greatness. But don't flout obligations, or punk out in such explosive, consuming fashion."

So, the question is...does it? This doesn't just go for sports. It can easily be transposed to anything, but our discussing will naturally lean toward acting.

If one is talented, what is it to "waste" those talents? And why does it gall us so to see it?

I don't expect much discussion, but I do think it's a topic that warrants it.

Emerging...like a pupa.

Have we ever talked about what I want to do with my life?

You know who I think has the perfect job? Laura Cole. The idea of working with a group of dedicated young professionals is something that's been appealing to me since my apprenticeship at the Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey. I saw what those folks did to me, and what they did to others. I saw how working with Christina Vaccaro and Brian B. Crowe (I think he might be surprised at how much he effected me...) changed my perspective, and opened my eyes. All I could think of was how I wanted some of that.

I find that actors are always talking about wanting to change people's lives on a grand scale. That's a pretty sweeping declarations. Regimes fall and rise, seasons change, entirely based on their performance in something. I'm not going to lie and say it wouldn't be nice to have that kind of adulation, but it isn't what I want, really. I want to work on a small level. I want to change lives, but just one or two people is fine with me. I want to rearrange horizons and see successes and be a part of crafting a well rounded actor. Two of my proudest moments in theatre didn't happen in typical settings, but they did both involve Juliet. I don't know if I'll have time to get into the second one (Casey Northcutt, I love you...), but I'll at least be able to talk about Ashley Boehne.

While in college, we did a 24 hour play festival. I didn't really want to do anything too ambitious, but I did think it would be interested to see technicians acting. While in college, I've always been a big believer that technicians ought to act, if actors are expected to do tech work. There's no reason I should be expected to take lighting design (which I will never use...believe me. I respect the art and have no facility at it...), if a technician isn't expected to take Acting in Shakespeare.

Anyhow, I got together three techies of varying acting experience and tossed up "Technicians Do Shakespeare" where I would have them each doing a monologue from Shakespeare. Pretty self explanatory, huh? Sarina Richardson, who had the most experience, picked her own monologue, but I recall clearly that Nathan Daly did Hal's "Do not think so you shall not find it so" and Ashley Boehne did "Gallop apace". I worked a bit with Nathan, but spent most of my time with Boehne, who had never acted before.

When it finally came time for her to perform, with less than 24 hours preparation, she was incredibly nervous. But as she sat in the midst of all those pillows laid on a bare stage, she settled into it, giving over to her nervousness. The moment I will always remember was a the "Come, night. Come Romeo." She took such a brief pause and everyone in the audience (EVERYONE!) leaned in slightly, their mouths open. They wanted more of what she had. To this day, one of the most true and beautiful pieces of acting I've ever seen.

So...THAT is why I want to work with actors. I want others to fly, so that I can feel like I had some small part of it.

But anything worth doing is worth doing badly...

So, how many out of town auditions have I been on?

Just wrapped up SC Rep. There is also Springer Opera House (If you want to count them...), Orlando Shakespeare, Tennessee Shakespeare, Tennessee Rep, UPTA... That's all for this year, though I did go to Staunton fairly late last year.

Is that really it? It just doesn't seem like much, when you put it like that. Although, there is some solace in knowing that, outside of Springer, they are all at least a four hour drive...

Also sent out headshots to Cincinnati Shakespeare, NC Shakespeare, and Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey, along with some other spots.

I think I'm probably done doing the out of town thing for a bit. Most places are ratcheting down their audition season, so I guess I can look forward to a new slate of places to audition for in a couple months.

***

I jammed my finger pretty well yesterday playing basketball. It's grown a bit and is a cute purple shade. Yay!

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I have two reThink shoots this week, as well as a Kidstuf shoot at the beginning of next week. Other than that, no performance opportunities. I'm trying to stay on people's radars as much as possible, but there just isn't much coming up until...really, January. There are spots here and there, but chances are slim (But not impossible) that I would move from something in September, to Buy My House...Please at the Aurora to Fair Use at Actor's Express. That's how tight it's looking, folks. Seriously. January opens up because there are no less than 8 places I'd love to work during that month.

Keep your fingers crossed, man. I can use all the luck I can get.

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Maybe I'll do my Atlanta Theatre Life post in the next couple of days. Or maybe I'll have something to talk about so I won't have to scrounge for content. We'll see...

Disappointment Part 2

So, just an update.

I went to Relay for Life this weekend. They didn't read my Granny's name when talking about those who this weekend was honoring. I feel alright about never going to another one.

Now, let it be known, my Granny wasn't your typical cancer survivor. She read the keynote speech for the survivors a few years ago. She went every year, even when she didn't feel like it. And, frankly, she had three luminaries, so there's really no excuse for them to NOT have her name on a list to be read somewhere.

No excuse. None.

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I'm not Hal in Proof. I'm not Orlando in As You Like It. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. Now, mind you, I'm thrilled with who DID get Orlando, and am positive that they will knock it out of the park, especially with Tiffany Porter as Rosalind. But, still...it's discouraging.

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When I was home, I went to my home church. While there, I was able to see a really great sermon by this guy Steven Furtick. The thing that I needed to hear was the idea of remembering God's past faithfulness. The idea that He has brought me through hard times before, and He will bring me through again.

It's been of great comfort these last few days, but today, when I found out I didn't get Orlando, it suddenly got very hard. Very, very hard. However, I'm trying to take a step back, see the big picture, and know that I will be placed where I need to be.

But, man, it's just hard sometimes.

Relay

ALRIGHT...another day...another nothing to say.

I don't know, folks. Not much is going on in my life right now.

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We wrapped up the Kidstuf season. That was great. The show really came together well. I'm indescribably blessed that I was able to be a part of it this year. We're starting back up in August, and here's hoping for a less tumultuous time this year. I kept losing hosts...I went through three in a year.

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No new information on any of the things I've auditioned for. Although I was specifically told I would hear back about one thing this week. Tomorrow is Friday, so here's hoping.

I should know more about my year by next week. I should know more about the whole season, in fact. Hey, Synchronicity, True Colors, 7 Stages, Center Theatre, Dad's Garage, and OnStage Atlanta! Get on it and announce those suckers!

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I've got an audition for South Carolina Repertory Company next Saturday. I have NO CLUE what their season is. That's exciting. Either way, I think we're getting close to the time of the year where my travels are going to cool down a bit. Really, I don't know where else to go. Who else wants me? I'd love to audition for you... Just let me know.

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Hustle is important, as I've covered before. I have to keep reminding myself that it's a matter of getting in front of people more than once. Not just in far off places, but close too... I have to, have to, have to keep putting myself out there. That's not normally a problem, since I love the audition. I love the hunt. But I'd be lying if I said that having this much time off wasn't daunting.

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I had people tell me I needed to get more personal. How's this for personal?

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Tomorrow, I'm going to head back to Marshall County. I'm heading back for Relay for Life. In case you don't know about it, check the link. I don't want to get too far into it, but my county...my area has close ties to Relay. It's a big deal, sorta. I even co-captained my own team in high school (with my pal Kenny Pratt) which was sort of a fool's errand, but fun.

It carries so much weight this year. It carries the weight of a loss. It carries with it the cold hard fact that, this year, the luminary doesn't say, "In Honor of...", it says, "In Memory of..."

I don't know why I'm going, really. There's no reason. I'm going to walk around my high school track a couple of times, catch up with some old friends, and probably cry a little. But I'm not there raising money and I'm not there as part of a team. Though, let me backtrack. My head says that there is no reason to go. My heart knows better. I say I don't know why I'm going, but I know full well. I'm going to try and prove that I was worth the honor. I'm going to show the world/God/whoever may be watching that it was supposed to be me who was holding her hand. That it was no fluke.

Part of me thinks I'll spend the rest of my life trying to prove it. And part of me is ok with that.

Love you, Granny. See ya Friday.

Do you think about me now and then? Well, I'm coming home again.

So, I really feel like I don't have much to talk about. Let's start typing and just see what comes, shall we?

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I was just at home for a week and a half. What a whirlwind trip! I can talk about that...specifically, my first big audition adventure of 2009.

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So, I went home to Marshall County, Kentucky this last week. As I crossed the border, I could feel my life getting better. I could feel life starting to make sense again. Stuff have been sort of hard the last few months. Life, in general, has been hard, and as I drove past the state line, singing country songs at the top of my lungs ("Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy)" by Big and Rich if you must know...), I felt myself start to heal up. Now, granted, as my mom loves to point out, I didn't even like country music when I lived at home, but that's not really the point. The point is, it reminds me of home. There are few songs that remind me of home as succinctly as "Hog Wild" by Hank Williams Jr and "Paradise" by John Prine.

My first stop was Belew's, a dairy barn on the lake that lives on the outskirts of the county that I called home for so very long. As I pulled in, I grabbed Doug Graham's copy of Proof to give it a quick re-read, since I was going to be auditioning for it shortly. As I sat there, reading these words that I really wanted to play, I let the sounds of my home wash over me. The cadence of the speech, the shrill giggles of kids at play, and, underneath it all, the silence that I miss when I'm living on the outskirts of Atlanta.

There are times when it seems like it would all be worth it to pack it in. To settle down and live my life well in the place that my father lived, and his father, and his father. This place where my roots are so, so deep and my family is all within twenty minutes of each other. Where my friends come together as if no time has passed and life moves at the most leisurely pace. Where I feel right. Where I feel like, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary, I feel like I belong.

I do like Atlanta. I do. Maybe even love it. But, make no mistake, home is where my heart is.

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So, MONDAY THE 18th, I left my home to go to a general audition at Tennessee Rep. Now, I went into this audition with no illusions. They were doing Steel Magnolias (Precast, but all women anyway.), A Christmas Story (No parts for me.), Big River (Can't...rather, would prefer to not sing) AND Proof...which has one part for which I would be good for. So...pretty specific stuff... Anyway, went in, felt alright about the general audition. After that, drove onward to The 404! Spend the night in the 404!

TUESDAY THE 19TH! Got up and went out to Theatrical Outfit and had what I judge was my worst audition of the three I had. I don't know...

That night, I drove the two hours to Columbus, GA so that I could audition for Springer Opera House's season. Tiring!

WEDNESDAY THE 20TH! I head home, right? WRONG! I'm at hour out of Nashville, heading back to Kentucky when I get a call from Tennessee Rep! They want me to come in and read for Hal! Awesome! Tonight! ...Not quite as awesome. I'm so tired, but I buck up and do it...and I have to say, I feel like I killed it. I may not get it, but I felt great about what I brought into the room. PLUS, I got to read with Tia Shearer! Who I hadn't seen since...I saw her at the Tennessee Shakes audition. How great to actually get to read with her.

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Anyhow, that was my crazy audition time. I think that suffices for an entry. Hey, waddya know... I did have some stuff to talk about.